I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
