Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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