I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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