I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
