she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
