Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
