I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
