Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
