There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
