Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
