You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
