What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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