whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
