I wish I could teleport
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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