So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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