Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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