Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
