Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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