Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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