my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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