Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize