this beer tastes like vomit already
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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