If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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