Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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