I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
