$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
