Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
