i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
