I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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