***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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