just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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