Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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