made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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