Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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