I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
