So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
