WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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