Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
