Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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