Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
