you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
