her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
