Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
