You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
