he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize