I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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