my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
