im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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