I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize