Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
