hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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