the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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