Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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