I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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