woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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