We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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