Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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