Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize