he thought i was a dude.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
