Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
