If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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