Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
