shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
