ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize