I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
