We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
