Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
