God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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