So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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