her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
