Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
