im about as happy as oj after his trial
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
