The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Enjoy the penises
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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