yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
