You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
