I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
